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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Iām single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, Iām part of the other 2%
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.