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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
I can`t relate to people who "forget to eat"
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.