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I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
I`m not "rich" ... But, actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you`re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.