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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.