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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.