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Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now