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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what