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Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?