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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. Iām sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.