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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"