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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?