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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
People in glass houses shouldn`t masturbate during the day....
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.