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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.