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Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`