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"Love is all we need."-Said a wise man 40 years ago. He obviously has never had a computer
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.