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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
Gym Update: Not there.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be