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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Safe words are for quitters.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I dream about naps.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.