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If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
I wish common sense was more common.
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.