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Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion