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My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.