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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
So when is this `old enough to know better` suppose to kick in ?
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.