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I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
Guys i did not copy or edit this status of mine.Please believe this is my own idea!
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.