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I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.