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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
is a mystery you´ll never solve
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie