Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.