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You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point