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Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame