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If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...