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If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
is in his own little world but it´s okay they know me here.
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.