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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!