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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.