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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
What flavor is this Harlem Shake you speak of?
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.