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The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
I give myself the best presents.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and Iām still not happy
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.