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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
People who text back... "kk" ... Are so annoying! ....and almost racist
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.