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My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
when i was little my dad told me that the icecream man only played music when he ran out of icecream well played dad well played
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!