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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
Why do baby clothes have pockets?
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!