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"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.