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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
The well behaved rarely make history.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance