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It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.