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The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"