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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.