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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
We get it poets: things are like other things
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.