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Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
Stop complaining about being single!!, we have bigger problems here. Like why McDonalds don`t serve breakfast after 10:30 -.-
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.