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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
Match dot com, but for socks.
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don`t want myself to know about.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
Sometimes you just have to logout...
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it`s ok to bite an opponent.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?