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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.