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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!