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Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car