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What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
I never finish anyth...............