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I`m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
¦It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel