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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm