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Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we`re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.