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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
So many rules; so little time to break them.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.