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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.