Daily Silly Status

A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.

You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.

Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.

Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.

My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.

If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital

6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.

I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm

For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.

I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.