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I`ll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
Hey Monday+?+(???) +?+
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.