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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.