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It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.