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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..