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Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Iām not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.