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Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener