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Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.