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I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
This status is mine....I licked it.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.