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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun