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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.