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A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.