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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`