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I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.