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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.