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When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.