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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
What if the weather talks about us?
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
drinks well with others.