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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."