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My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist