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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.