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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
Tieam... problem solved
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.