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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
Word for the day is asstard
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".