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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.