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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
Been there, done that. allegedly
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species