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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.