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In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
My misery likes tequila, not company.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....