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Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
Iām starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
Iād slap you but Iām pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.