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Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
No great story started with someone drinking water.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.