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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife`s is around $643.27. Apparently
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?