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Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.