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I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.