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If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.