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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.