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I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
when girls say bye .......... may be it means buy something for her.....
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.